Love...The Fault In Our Stars! (Spoiler Alert)

So Hi everyone! Sorry for not posting, this year is going to be one of the hardest years I've had so far, but  I pinkie-promise you that I'm going to post a lot more in this year! So this post is going to be one of  the most personal posts that I've ever published because I'm taking it right from my diary... Yes, I'm that one person who keeps a diary even now and doesn't give up! (you probably think it's impossible for someone who doesn't post here at all, but I like writing on paper a lot more and I do it very often!) This "thing" I wrote in my old diary it's dated 02/03/14 so it's pretty old, but I wrote it the day I finished reading the Fault in our stars, and since people are so overwhelmed by it now I decided to publish it!
                Dear Diary,
                     Today I finished reading "The fault in our stars" which I basically started to read yesterday, and whole today-day I was sitting in my room reading and crying, I couldn't stop my veil of tears streaming down my face...
                   I don't think any other book can give you such feeling, you just sit there like....You killed Augustus in few Chapters that I read in less than one hour....I hate you John Green (Because of your genie and all)...I hate you....OKAY?!....Yeah spoiler : Hazel doesn't die, at last her death is not told, but Augustus Waters, that one perfect guy of 21st century with whom you fall in love, dies, not by accident, he does have cancer....And that's what you get after reading a book, perfect guy dead and veil of tears streaming down your face uncontrollably, well and maybe that "pathetic little man, dependent upon alcohol" Peter Van Houten.... The book starts with a quote from his book 'An Imperial Affliction'....I think I should have written my emotions right after reading a book, because right after you read it is what really matters, after some time you get rid of the feeling you've got and you start to make an analysis of what happened in a book, but it doesn't matter  it's a side effect of a book, what really matters is the feeling you get after reading it...and I just made up a theory that books with bad ending make you ache more from them, but what is actually a "bad-ending"? usually people call "bad-end" when one of characters dies and that's it, whenever someone dies you consider a book sad and all, but fact is that I'm not sad that characters die, in first place they are real people, I know it's a fictional book, but I also know that to make up such a good story you should be inspired by someone so I think at last few characters had something, or more than something, in common with real people and trouble is that after about 40-50 or sometimes less pages they stop being fictional characters and turn out to be real people, and about bad endings....Trouble is that "bad endings" are real, life is not a fucking wish-granting factory and that's what depresses...Everyone wants to be loved and no one wants to be a grenade, no one wants to die and hurt people and of course no one wants to lose the one's they love. Everyone wants to be special,

             "Almost everyone is obsessed with leaving a mark upon the world. Bequeathing a legacy. Outlasting death. We all want to be remembered.I do, too. That's what bothers me most, is being another unremembered casualty in the ancient and inglorious war against disease.
              I want to leave a mark. But Van Houten : The marks, humans leave are too often scars. You build a hideous minimall or start a coup or try to become a rock star and you think, "They'll remember me now," but (a) they don't remember you, and (b) all you leave behind are more scars. Your coup becomes a dictationship. Your minimall becomes a leison. (-------)
             We are like a bunch of dogs squirting on fire hydrants. We poison the groundwater with our toxic piss, marking everything MINE in a ridiculous attempt to survive our deaths. I can't stop pissing on fire hydrants. I know it's silly and useless- epically useless in my current state- but I am an animal like any other.
             Hazel is different. She walks lightly, old man. She walks lightly upon the earth. Hazel knows the truth: We're as likely to hurt the universe as we are to help it, and we're not likely to do either.
            People will say it's sad that she leaves a lesser scar, that fewer remember her, that she was loved deeply bit not widely. But it's not sad, Van Houten. It's triumphant. It's heroic. Isn't that the real heroism? like the doctors say: First, do no harm.
             the real heroes anyway aren't the people doing things; the real heroes are people NOTICING things, paying attention. The guy who invented the smallpox vaccine didn't actually invent anything. He just noticed that people with cowpox didn't get smallpox.
             After my PET scan lit up, I snuck into the ICU and saw her while she was unconscious. I just walked in behind a nurse with a badge and I got to sit next to her for like ten minutes before I got caught. I really thought she was going to die before I could tell her that I was going to die, too. It was brutal : the incessant mechanized haranguing of  intensitive care. She had this dark cancer water dripping out of her chest. Eyes closed. Intubated. But her hand was still her hand, still warm and the nails painted this almost black dark blue and I just held her hand and tried to imagine the world without us and for about one second I was a good enough person to hope she died so she would never know that I was going, too. But then I wanted more time so we could fall in love. I got my wish, I suppose. I left my scar.
            A nurse guy came in and told me I had to leave, that visitors weren't allowed, and I asked if she was doing okay, and the guy said :She's still taking on water". A desert blessing, an ocean curse.
            What else? she is so beautiful you don't get tired of looking at her. You never worry if she is smarter than you : you know she is. She is funny without being mean. I love her. I am so lucky to love her, Van Houten.You don't get to choose if you get hurt in this world, old man, but you do have some say in who hurts you. I like my choices. I hope she likes hers"
                   I do, Augustus.
                   I do."

        And that's how book ends... And every time I re-read his letter my eyes become watery (and i read it 5 times already) and sad thing is : those of us who are smart, realise all that Augustus talks about, but not everyone is strong enough to accept it and that's the trouble.
        Another thing is, the love they shared..."She walks lightly," "she is so beautiful you don't get tired looking at her"  " You never worry if she is smarter than you : you know she is" "She is funny without being mean" " I love her."
        Show me a guy who can love like Augustus...but no, that's the trouble, everyone accepts love as a game, they take it like a competition...To love like Gus and Hazel you should be over 30, and some people even more.
        I think the book is great although I want to know What happened to Isaac?! did he get robot eyes?! did he get a girlfriend?! and what did Gus's parents do with a basement, did they keep it just the way it was?!
       But honestly I'm just so sad Augustus died that I can't stop crying, if I ever get to meet John Green I'll tell him that he's one of genius writers, he's a hell of a writer in fact, but I hate him. But that's the thing about books, the ones which are purely genius always have tragic end, and the ones with happy ending are rarely considered as great, and quickly forgotten.
       In " For whom the bell tolls" Hemingway writes :

       " I did not know that I could ever feel what I have felt, he thought. Nor that this could happen to me, I would like to have it for my whole life. You will, the other part of him said. You will. You have it now and that is all your whole life is; now. There is nothing else than now. There is neither yesterday, certainly, nor is there any tomorrow. How old must you be before you know that? there is only now, and if now is only two days, then two days is your life and everything in it will be in proportion. this is how you live a life in two days.
        And if you stop complaining and asking for what you never will get, you have a good life. A good life is not measured by any biblical span."

       and this is what bothers me. Augustus and Hazel were lucky to have each other to know that you really love and to be loved back, yes they didn't  live together long happy life, but how many people do? How many people actually find that one and only person and live long happy life with them? what does statistic say?! There is no statistic of such thing, anyone can consider oneself a happy person if one compares to worse, but we always aim for more and therefore are rarely really happy, and that's the fault of our stars. An the ones who find real love always aim more time and they rarely get it and think they are unlucky, but most of people live their whole life not even finding that one and only person. and if you find that one person, even 2 days should be enough.
       But "earth rarely moves" for us and we live life thinking we're okay...."  
       So this is what i wrote in my diary and if you guys have something to share about this book you're welcome!              
                                                        Love Always,
                                                                Sally.

        

#tbh Who wants to give up on society and go live in a tree house with me?! (sociology- sociopath )

 So...A while ago one person, who knows me from distance, asked me, or better say stated that I'm probably a sociopath, which meant I'm afraid of society...(it's total bullshit) And I said I am not a sociopath, but I'm just thinking a lot, which is the only thing I'm completely sure of, sometimes I can be so drown in my thoughts that I'll make things mechanically, I can meet my mother at such state and ignore her as if she's a stranger. To be honest I'm still figuring out is it's a good or a bad thing....Same stuff is about books, if I'm reading I can't notice anything around me unless someone touches my shoulder or bumps into me so that i can come back to earth from my trance.  

     And well, what can I say about society? (I can actually say a lot but...) Am I afraid of it?! Um, NO, I am sure that I have no sparkle of fear towards society...Disgust? YES, of course. So am I trying to run away from society? Partly yes, I'm not running or anything, but I just don't get involved too much, unless something drives me crazy! (mostly it's injustice or someones absurd actions.) Reason why I do so? Well...I realised long ago that turning society to something good is one of impossible things, because our society is full of wicked, stupid people which is one of worst mixes, I keep finding hundreds of morally imperfect people (I'm not saying about outer beauty, but about inner one) most of people I meet are so dull, empty and cold...sometimes they make me physically shiver.

       So do I hate society? And again, no. For me feeling of hatered is something I'll never fall to, it's below my level and I can surely say that I don't hate anyone or anything I may dislike something or I may feel disgusted, but I never really hate, hatered is stupid, empty feeling which makes the "feeler" of it suffer more than the object of hate.All I feel is disgust which I, sometimes, can't hide, I'm learning not to make people notice how I really feel about them, because in different way it'll only bring up drama which is unnecessary. I've had no dramas for last 2-3 years. I just take it all easy (and of course I don't count family dramas in here) 

    So you may think that I'm a boring and weird person maybe even psycho, but I wont complain. I can actually have fun, but I don't like wasting my time with wrong people with whom I can't even really have fun, and hang out with them just 'cause I have nothing else to do. To be honest I'm one of those people who always has something to do, I can't sit and do just nothing. 

    But, I'm not hiding and I'm not afraid, I'm not a sociopath...For god's sake! I am maybe weird and some people get me very wrong, which doesn't bother me at all , but there are people who get effected by others opinions....So please people before making any conclusions, talk to a person and get to know them better! I think we've all learned a lot about prejudices from Jane Austen...

                                                                                                 Love Always,

                                                                                                                Sally.                                            

Life as I know it (Art)

If it doesn’t come bursting out of you in spite of everything, don’t do it.Unless it comes unasked out of your heart and your mind and your mouth and your gut, don’t do it.
If you’re doing it for money or fame, don’t do it.
If you’re doing it because you want women in your bed,
 don’t do it.If it’s hard work just thinking about doing it,
 don’t do it.If you have to wait for it to roar out of you, 
then wait patiently.If it never does roar out of you,
 do something else.

Unless it comes out of your soul like a rocket, unless being still would drive you to madness or suicide or murder, don’t do it.Unless the sun inside you is burning your gut, don’t do it.When it is truly time,
 and if you have been chosen, It will do it by itself and it will keep on doing it until you die or it dies in you.There is no other way.

And there never was.Charles Bukowski.         

   

     For someone those words have no common with  the name of post, but for me it has, although I know that Bukowski meant art, something that you create...But isn't you life also your creation?!Aren't you the one who has the brushes and paint?!The one who is standing in front of a white canvas?! Some people are going to say "Maybe you can control your life,but there are people who cannot do it, not because they don't want, but because there are things which control them..."And well I might also tell you that in everyone's life there may be things  which one did not choose, things which you can't change, and that's the frame of your canvas, no matter if you like it or not everyone has that frame, you can't draw past it, but you have whole canvas inside, although many of us forget it, they try to prove that they can do anything and that they can draw past this frame, which is unnecessary as long as your canvas is still white.Some people have it worse, they have a frame and spotted canvas, so they give up on whole painting just because of few spots.
    what I'm trying to say is that you may have different circumstances, but don't forget that you are the one who has brushes and paint.Why not make your spots an addition to your painting?! Or cover them?! you would still know that spots are there, underneath, but they don't ruin your painting.Oh and frame! Now tell me, when you go to gallery what do you look at? at painting or at frame?! you may like frame or you may not like it, but you know it has nothing to do with the artist.
     And here comes the definition. People who love their life just paint on their canvas, no matter what others say they paint what they want, it comes roaring out of them, and they don't try to stop it.But some people are afraid, they start to look at other canvases and think they can never do better, so why even try? they think their abilities are not enough, they start to complain about frame, or spots, and it continues until someone will just lead their hand and make them draw something they didn't want to draw, and they start to blame that person...But a simple life lesson which art taught me is: when you have a canvas, brushes and paint just let your heart make decision and paint whatever comes roaring from inside of you, it doesn't matter if someone is better, just do your best and don't be afraid of making mistakes, they can be covered, and i swear that when you're done you'll be proud of yourself, and you'll love it.You will love both, the process and the result.
                                                                                                   Love always,
            Sally.

here are two of my drawings to let you know where this post comes from...

This drawing was inspired by Ed Sheeran's music, it's one of my favorites. 

"13 reasons why" I started to write Poetry...

"A poem begins as a lump in the throat, a sense of wrong, a homesickness, a lovesickness" (or a society sickness) -Robert Frost 

  So today I'm here to reveal what was the turning point, which made me write poetry...Some of you know (I mean my friends) and some of you guess that I started to write poetry. I'm gonna say it right now that I'm not going to publish any poems except one, here or anywhere else, just not yet.
 So it all started one Monday when I had to study physics, (let my physics teacher and all the rest who love physics forgive me) I hate physics, or better say I hate when I have to stupidly study something by heart,  the worst is that no one ever explains why the hell I should know all that stuff and how I can use it....So feeling as stupid and as down as possible I was just scratching something in my notebook when the idea of writing, first visited me and I wrote :   

“What if I am a dreamer? 
The one you’ve never known. 
You think I’m not unusual, 
But what if you are wrong?! 
You say I’m not talanted, 
But what if you cant see 
The way I am talanted 
In something you can’t be 
And maybe I am usual, 
And maybe I am wrong, 
But still I am a Dreamer. 

The one you’ve never known                                                                                                                                                             So this was first piece of poetry I have ever written, there was nothing I changed or...I don't know this is how it came out , and then when I finished it and re-read it I liked it very much, too much even maybe, and I decided to write something else, just to try if it was a one time thing or I can really write, so I wrote second one the same evening few minutes after first, and the first person with whom I shared my first poem was my English teacher Oksana, whom I immediately texted it and she liked it very much, and on the next day I had her lesson and she read second one too and she asked why did it happen, like, what inspired me maybe, and for that time I had no answer, so I just explained it was a way not to study Physics, since that she calls my poetry physics, which I explain as physics of ones soul maybe....So after over-thinking I finally remembered that before that Monday evening I read some pieces of poetry on tumblr and it all started from reading a book by Jay Asher " Thirteen reasons why" If you read it you should know that Hannah (a girl from a book) wrote poetry and there is this part :

 "Then without even trying, I memorized the very first poem in that book. And no matter how hard I try, I can’t seem to shake it from my head even today. So here it is, for your appreciation …or amusement" and there was poem, I even made a drawing for it, in case you can't read it, it says :

"If my love were an ocean,
there would be no more land.
If my love were a desert,
you would see only sand.
If my love were a star-
late at night, only light.
And if my love could grow wings,
I'd be soaring in flight. "

So just like Hannah says, this "poem from Monet's" just stuck in my head, and I still think it is one of the best poems I ever read in English, because most of poems I've read have no rhythm, which I'm so desperately searching for, and I think I got pretty good in it...
  To finish this post somehow...I'll tell you that for me poetry became a new way of self expression, before, I was drawing and showing people something through colors, but now I can make them feel the same thing I'm feeling, and make them think about same things, so my new "goal" kind of is to collect those poems and publish them! to be honest it sounds silly a bit "Sally, now as a poet...." I don't know to be honest I just want to give it a try, maybe because I really enjoy doing this....And partly because I feel that there are many things I can talk about. Here are two other poems I like, I have even written them in my diary.

                                                  Love Always,
                                                       Sally.

Who you are?!

  So not that I'm trying to show anyone their mistakes or anything, but all I want is to make people think of who they really are.

   Some people say that personality is everything about you, and mostly in such cases people mean what you wear and what you like also how you do act...That's  all important but people never ask you of your insecurities or fears.How many of you met a person who told you they want to know you better and then just ask what your favorite movie,song,color etc. is ? Guys if you call it "knowing a person well" then I don't know anyone, not even my best friend...for ex. I don't have favorite movie, nor song, not color and not even book, there are too many things that I like and love, I can't tell you only one and say no to all the others...SO lately I am thinking a lot about my personality and the way I act, and what I found out is that most of my habits or things I do, are caused by my fears or insecurities so I think it's the most important thing about person, It's not enough to know how someone acts you should also know why they act one way or another and I really dislike this saying " It doesn't matter who you are, what matters is who you want to be" Seriously?! maybe who you are now, doesn't matter but for me who you want to be doesn't matter either if you're doing nothing and just sitting in one spot and saying how you want to change. What matters is how hard are you trying to become someone you want to be, but sad thing is that everyone understands it as "go copy someone you like" and the excuse is always "I just like same things, we have same taste" well me and my best friend might like same things and even buy same shirts or something but we still are different we have other clothes which are not alike, we have different styles, different tastes, we listen to different music, we are not copies of each other and what I'm trying to say is that when someone asks you "who do you want to be?" you should never think of someone else and search for someone else's name, you should think of who you are now and how do you want to develop yourself, and late at night when you dream about being on someones place better try to over think your actions and understand why do you act one way or another and why do you like this or that. If you don't know  yourself how can you know some other person...i don't want this post to be too long so if you have questions or any ideas just comment and let me know what you think, if you agree or disagree!

So The Smiths song asleep is in this post because whenever I think of my personality it just pops in my head and it makes me feel the way I love to feel, peaceful and free. It is just amazing and iI would like you all to listen to it.

Incident which left children heartbroken...

  So...I know that I'm posting rarely, but honestly I think it's because I don't like typing, seriously if I could write my posts in a notebook and design it there and then just publish somehow it'll be great 'cause for me hand-writing is a lot more fun...
                Now about title of this post, every year at this time people who graduate from school have exams (in Georgia it is so) and this year was the same of course except one incident. if someone doesn't know we have (right now we have, idk what would happen next year because everything depends on governments mood i guess) 8 exams to end school first 4 you pass at the end of 11th grade and next 4 you pass at the end of 12th grade and that's how you graduate school , all exams are passed on computer, but this year on English exam the computer programme messed up and questions were coming with two right answers, but that's not such a problem, problem is that children who REALLY KNOW ENGLISH got bad points, they passed but how would you feel if you know something really well and they give you low mark?! worse is that you can do nothing , you can not prove that you are right because computer doesn't save your answers. Teachers got that something was wrong so they called to Ministry of Education and the answer was shocking you know what they said?! "well, you didn't fail right? so if you passed why the mark matters!" and what about children who want to go aboard, to continue studies there? why someone who can get best mark should not get it and not be given second chance, just because something in the system messed up...It's very unfair and dishonest towards those children and their parents and their teachers...Funny thing is that Ministry of Education later (at 9 o'clock) wrote on their page that they were taking 5 points off for every wrong answer, and it still doesn't make any sense because children who knew subject got all answers right. Same happened on Georgian and history exam and i cant express how disappointed I am because government steals every hope of justice and it is very unfair....

   

Life is a Game

                                                  "You have to learn the rules of the game
                                                      and then you have to play better than
                                                                                       anyone else"
                                                                                                   -Albert Ainstein
                    It's not a surprise for anyone that life is a game, sometimes you win, sometimes you learn.I don't like saying lose because for me losing is not an option, if you don't win you learn something new, learning doesn't mean losing. And by the way you can not always win and for sure you can't lose your "life game".
                   Everything in life happens on purpose, some people believe it's luck or faith and well, these two things are good miracles to believe in, but I prefer to think that these people who blame luck in bad things that happen to them, are just too fool to realize their real luck and aren't smart enough to learn from their own life mistakes.
                    In this life game mostly naive and kind people get all the wrong and bad things. I agree that kindness is very important, but not when your kindness toward someone or something means self-harm. If you're doing something good you must never expect it to be returned to you, or to get paid for your act of kindness. If you expect the world to be fair with you because you are fair, you're fooling yourself. That's like expecting the lion not to eat you because you didn't eat him.
                   Honestly what I've learned is that better you act, you get worse treatment, I know that this is not true due to everyone and for sure this mustn't be an excuse for treating people badly, but it's truth and not to be hurt in future you must know it. That's one of rules of this game we call "life" nowadays. In fact rules are different for different people, you choose to be a player or a toy.
                  What about me?- well, I'm honestly felling very comfortable in my role as the coach. Thought I know that game has already started, and i wont be able to stay on my position for long, But i follow the basis rule for me that says "Change the game, don't let the game change you" I understand it simply: life can get hard and you may feel very bad, but despite all those struggles be who you are and never give up, because once you change you'll never be the same and that means losing, losing not only the game but also yourself which is much more scary. Just keep in mind that God tests everyone equally to their abilities, you cant be a winner without even starting a race, and for sure you can't be the best player if you don't compete with others.
                Life is a game.You can play it safe and be good, or you can take a chance and be the Great. just remember choice is up to YOU.