Love...The Fault In Our Stars! (Spoiler Alert)

So Hi everyone! Sorry for not posting, this year is going to be one of the hardest years I've had so far, but  I pinkie-promise you that I'm going to post a lot more in this year! So this post is going to be one of  the most personal posts that I've ever published because I'm taking it right from my diary... Yes, I'm that one person who keeps a diary even now and doesn't give up! (you probably think it's impossible for someone who doesn't post here at all, but I like writing on paper a lot more and I do it very often!) This "thing" I wrote in my old diary it's dated 02/03/14 so it's pretty old, but I wrote it the day I finished reading the Fault in our stars, and since people are so overwhelmed by it now I decided to publish it!
                Dear Diary,
                     Today I finished reading "The fault in our stars" which I basically started to read yesterday, and whole today-day I was sitting in my room reading and crying, I couldn't stop my veil of tears streaming down my face...
                   I don't think any other book can give you such feeling, you just sit there like....You killed Augustus in few Chapters that I read in less than one hour....I hate you John Green (Because of your genie and all)...I hate you....OKAY?!....Yeah spoiler : Hazel doesn't die, at last her death is not told, but Augustus Waters, that one perfect guy of 21st century with whom you fall in love, dies, not by accident, he does have cancer....And that's what you get after reading a book, perfect guy dead and veil of tears streaming down your face uncontrollably, well and maybe that "pathetic little man, dependent upon alcohol" Peter Van Houten.... The book starts with a quote from his book 'An Imperial Affliction'....I think I should have written my emotions right after reading a book, because right after you read it is what really matters, after some time you get rid of the feeling you've got and you start to make an analysis of what happened in a book, but it doesn't matter  it's a side effect of a book, what really matters is the feeling you get after reading it...and I just made up a theory that books with bad ending make you ache more from them, but what is actually a "bad-ending"? usually people call "bad-end" when one of characters dies and that's it, whenever someone dies you consider a book sad and all, but fact is that I'm not sad that characters die, in first place they are real people, I know it's a fictional book, but I also know that to make up such a good story you should be inspired by someone so I think at last few characters had something, or more than something, in common with real people and trouble is that after about 40-50 or sometimes less pages they stop being fictional characters and turn out to be real people, and about bad endings....Trouble is that "bad endings" are real, life is not a fucking wish-granting factory and that's what depresses...Everyone wants to be loved and no one wants to be a grenade, no one wants to die and hurt people and of course no one wants to lose the one's they love. Everyone wants to be special,

             "Almost everyone is obsessed with leaving a mark upon the world. Bequeathing a legacy. Outlasting death. We all want to be remembered.I do, too. That's what bothers me most, is being another unremembered casualty in the ancient and inglorious war against disease.
              I want to leave a mark. But Van Houten : The marks, humans leave are too often scars. You build a hideous minimall or start a coup or try to become a rock star and you think, "They'll remember me now," but (a) they don't remember you, and (b) all you leave behind are more scars. Your coup becomes a dictationship. Your minimall becomes a leison. (-------)
             We are like a bunch of dogs squirting on fire hydrants. We poison the groundwater with our toxic piss, marking everything MINE in a ridiculous attempt to survive our deaths. I can't stop pissing on fire hydrants. I know it's silly and useless- epically useless in my current state- but I am an animal like any other.
             Hazel is different. She walks lightly, old man. She walks lightly upon the earth. Hazel knows the truth: We're as likely to hurt the universe as we are to help it, and we're not likely to do either.
            People will say it's sad that she leaves a lesser scar, that fewer remember her, that she was loved deeply bit not widely. But it's not sad, Van Houten. It's triumphant. It's heroic. Isn't that the real heroism? like the doctors say: First, do no harm.
             the real heroes anyway aren't the people doing things; the real heroes are people NOTICING things, paying attention. The guy who invented the smallpox vaccine didn't actually invent anything. He just noticed that people with cowpox didn't get smallpox.
             After my PET scan lit up, I snuck into the ICU and saw her while she was unconscious. I just walked in behind a nurse with a badge and I got to sit next to her for like ten minutes before I got caught. I really thought she was going to die before I could tell her that I was going to die, too. It was brutal : the incessant mechanized haranguing of  intensitive care. She had this dark cancer water dripping out of her chest. Eyes closed. Intubated. But her hand was still her hand, still warm and the nails painted this almost black dark blue and I just held her hand and tried to imagine the world without us and for about one second I was a good enough person to hope she died so she would never know that I was going, too. But then I wanted more time so we could fall in love. I got my wish, I suppose. I left my scar.
            A nurse guy came in and told me I had to leave, that visitors weren't allowed, and I asked if she was doing okay, and the guy said :She's still taking on water". A desert blessing, an ocean curse.
            What else? she is so beautiful you don't get tired of looking at her. You never worry if she is smarter than you : you know she is. She is funny without being mean. I love her. I am so lucky to love her, Van Houten.You don't get to choose if you get hurt in this world, old man, but you do have some say in who hurts you. I like my choices. I hope she likes hers"
                   I do, Augustus.
                   I do."

        And that's how book ends... And every time I re-read his letter my eyes become watery (and i read it 5 times already) and sad thing is : those of us who are smart, realise all that Augustus talks about, but not everyone is strong enough to accept it and that's the trouble.
        Another thing is, the love they shared..."She walks lightly," "she is so beautiful you don't get tired looking at her"  " You never worry if she is smarter than you : you know she is" "She is funny without being mean" " I love her."
        Show me a guy who can love like Augustus...but no, that's the trouble, everyone accepts love as a game, they take it like a competition...To love like Gus and Hazel you should be over 30, and some people even more.
        I think the book is great although I want to know What happened to Isaac?! did he get robot eyes?! did he get a girlfriend?! and what did Gus's parents do with a basement, did they keep it just the way it was?!
       But honestly I'm just so sad Augustus died that I can't stop crying, if I ever get to meet John Green I'll tell him that he's one of genius writers, he's a hell of a writer in fact, but I hate him. But that's the thing about books, the ones which are purely genius always have tragic end, and the ones with happy ending are rarely considered as great, and quickly forgotten.
       In " For whom the bell tolls" Hemingway writes :

       " I did not know that I could ever feel what I have felt, he thought. Nor that this could happen to me, I would like to have it for my whole life. You will, the other part of him said. You will. You have it now and that is all your whole life is; now. There is nothing else than now. There is neither yesterday, certainly, nor is there any tomorrow. How old must you be before you know that? there is only now, and if now is only two days, then two days is your life and everything in it will be in proportion. this is how you live a life in two days.
        And if you stop complaining and asking for what you never will get, you have a good life. A good life is not measured by any biblical span."

       and this is what bothers me. Augustus and Hazel were lucky to have each other to know that you really love and to be loved back, yes they didn't  live together long happy life, but how many people do? How many people actually find that one and only person and live long happy life with them? what does statistic say?! There is no statistic of such thing, anyone can consider oneself a happy person if one compares to worse, but we always aim for more and therefore are rarely really happy, and that's the fault of our stars. An the ones who find real love always aim more time and they rarely get it and think they are unlucky, but most of people live their whole life not even finding that one and only person. and if you find that one person, even 2 days should be enough.
       But "earth rarely moves" for us and we live life thinking we're okay...."  
       So this is what i wrote in my diary and if you guys have something to share about this book you're welcome!              
                                                        Love Always,
                                                                Sally.